my deepest desire

unlocked by the man at the cafe

i havent felt so held by a single stranger through a single sentence like this in years.

until recently, my longest-standing, rarely actualised fantasy has lay dormant. waiting patiently for the experience to present itself. most people perceive me to be this extremely kinky freak-in-the-sheets type woman. i wonder, if that’s because i am sexually liberated and confident. turns out im just a tender soft lover maker who likes deep eye contact and words of affirmation whilst i climax. i do turn feral though, in the heat of the moment — the moment being when i feel 100% held by a certain dominance that actually allows me to surrender. again, a very rare occurrence.

this fantasy i speak of is literally that. i salivate at the thought of being granted a moment off. the dream is an entire day but i’ll take an hour, 30 minutes, whatever i can get. a moment off making decisions, of making the first move, of thinking, of planning, of doing, of preparing, of understanding, of knowing what to say, of knowing how to act, of making everyone else comfortable and happy, of being of service. etc etc.

i live every single day in my masculine. i am single woman living alone, i have a dog and i run multiple businesses. i am always making sure everything is sorted, bills are paid, house is clean, dog is walked and fed, customers tended to, orders packed, dishes washed, groceries bought etc.

to me, someone knowing what i need without having to ask me and doing it without me having to prompt is the hottest, horniest, pussy pulsating fantasy of mine. again, rarely actualised.

I’m not sure what this says about A) me B) how starved i am for tender dominance (or just some rest??) C) the undeniable lack of men who can know how to handle and be of service to strong, self women who live predominantly in their masculine. but when the young man at the cafe, just now, tended to my table, picked up the jug of water to refill my glass, and said “are you after food today?” and I paused, silent and unsure, he responded with “i can let you think, otherwise you can let me know” and walked off. i buckled. what just happened? what IS happening? why am i so hot for that sentence?

i’m a little embarrassed to admit that the sentence equally shocked me and aroused me. i think it shocked me because it was so swiftly sincere that it aroused me. by no means was it in a sexual context. he was definitely not flirting with me, he was a stranger doing his job. and yet here i was aroused at the idea of someone being there for me whenever i was ready to need it.

i sat there for a while unpacking that entire 10 seconds and why it had so much impact. i arrived at the realisation that i crave to be understood in a wat that many dont understand me. i have over 90,000 people follow and watch me, constantly perceiving me, and only a handful of close humans who actually understand me. they are all platonic, however.

is it crazy to think that my deepest sexual desire is to be dominated into a state of relaxation? to be force to rest, to not choose, to not organise, to not initiate?

i dont want you to pin me down and cut off my resources, i want you to allow me to be free from the experience i have every day. i want to know dinner is either booked or cooked. i want you to take your time on me for as long as it takes until i cum without you expecting anything in return. ten times out of ten i will return, reciprocate, when i know it came from a selfless place with no agenda or expectation attached. a woman can feel it, trust me. i want to know you’ve got it sorted, it being: the choice of the movie, the date night route, the transport, the dishes in the sink, the bathtub filled, the candles, the coffee in bed, the bed made too. i dont need you to impress me with anything other than a desire to be attentive enough to make my life easier. i have everything else sorted. i am happy alone, but ill be happier with care and help and thought and attentiveness and initiative. i want you to experience the way i care for you with all the softness i have in my reserves, waiting to be unlocked by someone who creates capacity for my feminine, by taking me out of my masculine.

i need to know its not performative, or that its only going to last the first 8 weeks of us dating until you’ve ‘secured’ me and suddenly you’re complacent and the efforts already faded. i need you to realise that its not the grand gestures or the expensive anything, its the initiative the effort, the attention to detail that gets you over the line.

i have harboured so much love, romance, care, effort, kindness, support, thought, tenderness, self, to give someone that can fulfill this fantasy i yearn for.

for all the years ive spent in my masculine, my feminine has sat redundant. for every day you allow my masculine to sit redundant, the stronger my feminine becomes. my gift back to you, it the unlimited capacity to shower you in my love, my tenderness, my support, my yin, my care, my essence. i love harder than anyone i know but i cant when im tired. i cant if theres no space. i cant if you don’t allow me.