The recovery process is slow and long and potentially never really complete when a wound is cut open time and time again. The scar tissue runs deeper and the callous formed, grows even harder. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to share but the last 3 weeks have been scary, lonely, empty and unforgiving.
Whilst I’m petrified of my own thoughts daily, I am confronted with an overwhelming amount of support, care and love. Being cared for, has been one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. There is nothing more foreign to me than not being able to do something myself, nothing more vulnerable than asking for help. The truth is, when the body, the mind and the soul is in pain, it takes a team to hold the pieces and slowly put them back together.
And if it’s anything I’ve learned, is that my ‘admirable’ sense of independence and confidence and capability is one of many ways I’ve built walls around myself to cope - a mechanism I formed decades ago. I am strong not because I wanted to be but because I had to be. I am fiercely independent not by choice but instead by necessity. When you become so good at doing it all yourself, it becomes harder and harder to allow others to do it for you. I’ve had no choice this time round, I have needed an immense amount of help (and will continue to do so).
I’ve worked tirelessly on self worth and yet there are still parts of myself that don’t feel worthy enough of unconditional love, the ‘I will care for you in your darkest days’ kind of love. It’s overwhelming to see who shows up with that sort of love, when you didn’t really believe it existed for you. Anyway, there’s no right way to heal or to talk about healing, because we’ve normalised aesthetics and positivity on social media over the brutality of vulnerability and honesty.
I took much needed rest from all platforms to begin healing, and I’ll continue to do so after this, but it felt right to share this for now because I know so many of you care. My main message is to remember that you are loved, by someone or people, who will show up for you when you need it, even if you don’t ask for it. And being so low that you find yourself calling the helplines every day, every night, doesn’t make you abnormal or a burden or broken. Pain requires love, love requires community. Let others hold you, and when you have space, help to hold others. ❤️🩹